tritium: R. Kelly's ever-evolving song cycle

Street walking cheetah with a heart full of napalm (

tritium) wrote,
@ 2006-04-10 14:43:00

R. Kelly's ever-evolving song cycle
On the advice of

ludickid, this weekend I rented and watched R Kelly's Trapped in the Closet. And my GOD, it really is the Robot Monster of our time.

ludickid gives a lot of reasons to love it, but there is simply no way to cover all of the wonderful things about it. Fr ex:

* The fact that Sylvester keeps threatening to leave, even though he's the one who pulled out a gun
* Everyone figures out that the pastor is gay the instant his lover shows up at the door
* Sylvester is so agitated, that he drives off doing 85, so a cop pulls him over to give him a ticket for going 60 in a 45 zone, so he drives 55 the rest of the way home
* It's a 45-minute song without ANY variation or chord changes
* It's sung over a terrible looped percussion, with an obnoxious water drop sound every second beat, that (natch) continues through the entire song
* Most of the lines are on the order of "She goes, 'Twan,' he goes, 'yeah...'" or "We looked at each other like, 'what the hell?'"
* The ineffible Red, White and Blaine! aspect to it
* The Biggest Trapped in the Closet Fan Site on the Web refers to it as "R. Kelly's ever-evolving song cycle"
* That imdb review that claims it must be a parody, because the alternative is unthinkable
* (Back to the plot) Gwendolyn somehow knows that her lover, the cop, pulled over Sylvester on the way home
* Bridgette somehow knew that Big Man was her 3-months-grown fetus's daddy
* On the subject of Bridgette: the moment I learned her name, I just knew it was going to wind up being rhymed with "midget."
* Also on the subject of Bridgette: what the hell was up with the accent that R. Kelly did for her?
* R. Kelly's so in love with his own voice, that not only does he sing everybody's dialogue, he also sings all of the sound effects ("rrrrrring!")
* Holy jesus, it just goes ON and ON
* Oh right, Gwendolyn doesn't recognize her friend because she's wearing a wig
* R. Kelly acts like the whiniest dick ever while having sex with his wife
* Oh, and, the fact that the pastor and deacon were "sneaking in and out of hotel rooms" was apaprently TMI for Sylvester, but he doesn't mind telling us that he made love to his wife "like I was giving her a baby"
* ...with his pants on
* R. Kelly is all proud of the fact that he rhymes "dresser" with "Baretta," which, actually, is kind of impressive, now that I think about it
* When the cop gets home and finds a pie with a bite taken out of it, and Bridgette has a cherry alergy, the natural conclusion is that she's having an affair
* Okay, I have to stop now.

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ludickid
2006-04-10 07:54 pm UTC (link)

my GOD, it really is the Robot Monster of our time.

SEE I DONE TOLE YOU

The fact that Sylvester keeps threatening to leave, even though he's the one who pulled out a gun

This is probably my favorite part of it, because he keeps getting into situations where he's really annoyed and irritated with everything, but he's perfectly capable of just leaving, but he doesn't because then the story would be over, I guess.

It's a 45-minute song without ANY variation or chord changes

You know there's going to be 32 chapters in total, right? So that means, in the end, it will in fact be a TWO-HOUR song without any chord changes.

On the subject of Bridgette: the moment I learned her name, I just knew it was going to wind up being rhymed with "midget."

See, now, I didn't see that coming, and so when it was revealed, I became deeply embarrassed, because it meant that I had been outsmarted by R. Kelly.

When the cop gets home and finds a pie with a bite taken out of it, and Bridgette has a cherry alergy, the natural conclusion is that she's having an affair

And, I mean, how many people are allergic to cherries, anyway?

I assume you watched the R. Kelly commentary, too, because it just makes a good thing a million times better.

(Reply to this)(Thread)

tritium
2006-04-10 08:10 pm UTC (link)

See, now, I didn't see that coming, and so when it was revealed, I became deeply embarrassed, because it meant that I had been outsmarted by R. Kelly.

Well, you know, I knew there was a midget in the thing, so I had advance warning. It's just, when I heard the name "Bridgette," I thought, "okay, here comes the midget."

And, I mean, how many people are allergic to cherries, anyway?

And, as Allison pointed out, why would you even MAKE a cherry pie if you're allegic to cherries?

(Reply to this)(Parent)

	tritium 2006-04-10 08:12 pm UTC (link)
	`You know there's going to be 32 chapters in total, right?` See, here are two reasons I don't believe that: 1. it implies R. Kelly has some plan as to where the plot is going, 2. he just doesn't have the attention span. I mean, he can't keep things consistent for a single verse. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

kudaspeaks
2006-04-11 12:36 am UTC (link)

The entire point of the video is that it's like a six year old telling a story. It doesn't go anywhere, it doesn't cohere logically, and ridiculous things happen for no reason, usually without consequences. It's even got poo poo jokes! So in conclusion, of course it's going to go on for 20 more chapters. At least!

My other theory is that this is R. Kelly's attempt at being Scheherezade and the prosecutors won't send him to jail as long as he keeps us riveted with his fantasia.

My fave moment is immediately after gunplay and revelations of mutual infidelity, Sylvester and the missus sit down to play cards.

(Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	tritium 2006-04-11 02:21 am UTC (link)
	Hot mess! (Reply to this)(Parent)

	blue_straggler 2006-04-10 08:15 pm UTC (link)
	I'm very excited for this week. Netflix should be bringing Trapped in the Closet tomorrow. And I should get Robot Monster Wednesday... (Reply to this)(Thread)

	tritium 2006-04-11 02:52 am UTC (link)
	Oh, you have no idea what you're in for. (Reply to this)(Parent)

	roseyv 2006-04-11 02:08 am UTC (link)
	Heck, if I could figure out a way to make "dresser" and "Baretta" rhyme, I would have to consider it my crowning achievement as a lyricist. Seriously. I've spent the last several years working on a way to rhyme "guitar" with "ottoman," but so far no luck. (Reply to this)(Thread)

	tritium 2006-04-11 02:23 am UTC (link)
	Hell yeah. R Kelly is a lyrical master. See: rhyming "Bridgette" with "midget." GENIUS! (Reply to this)(Parent)

	eme_kah 2006-04-11 02:10 pm UTC (link)
	"Guitar" rhymes with "ottomanar". Everyone knows that. Duh. (Reply to this)(Parent)

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